How Madonna and Guy Have Fallen Victim to The Greatest Cause of Stress in Life: Relationships

(photo: www.charlotteobserver.com)

Madonna and Guy Ritchie have announced their divorce after much denial. The Daily Mirror gleefully claims to be ahead of the 'competition' in knowing that they were about to break up. But what is there to be smug about when any relationship breaks? The pain is probably even more because everything is played out on the public stage, robbing them of the privacy other members of the public take for granted. So the couple are likely to focus, initially, on how they are a perceived than on the real issues they need to sort out. There will now follow a severe time of stress for them, especially where young children are involved - and there are three in this case.

Stress affects everyone to some degree, but severe stress is a feeling of being unable to cope and is a reaction to excessive demands and pressures made upon the individual. It is most likely to be maintained by a feeling of personal rejection, insignificance and worthlessness. If it was an amicable mutual split, then the stress won't be too much.However, if one of them wanted the split more than the other, that's where the main problem will lie: dealing with that sense of rejection, and that could be pretty stressful. Stress robs you of your good looks, your disposition, your health, your youthfulness, and can even take your life. It is particularly unpleasant and harmful when pressures build up or are prolonged indefinitely; when we are unable to control the demands placed upon us, when we are constantly anxious, and when support is not there when we need it.

Most of the focus has been on reducing stress in the workplace. However, what has escaped everyone’s notice is the lethal level of stress caused by simply moving between relationships, especially where the desire for a break is not mutual, or where one is stuck in a relationship which makes one or both parties feel impotent, unhappy or simply miserable. These situations occur on a regular basis, often taken for granted as a necessary part of life, yet causing incalculable emotional damage in their wake.


Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
With many relationships lasting only between six months and a year, most people can expect some additional resulting trauma on at least three to four occasions in their lifetime. These are problems which most people try to avoid without ever quite succeeding, because the mere notion of expecting relationships to fail ensures that they do, in a kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Stress from a break-up is thus the worst kind of stress because it contains personal rejection, momentary insecurity and loss of status/esteem for at least one party, not to mention the financial costs which may be attached. Yet it has been underestimated in its effects and overlooked by government provisions.

When we feel rejected, controlled or unappreciated, everything else in our lives pales into insignificance because we lose our sense of belonging, joy and worth. This affects whatever we do until we feel better. Bereavement of any kind and moving house might come top of the list of any stress-inducing activities, but being stuck in an unwanted relationship, which affects at least 20 per cent of couples, or being momentarily rejected by a partner, should go right to the top of that list because of the ongoing consequences they have for everyone involved.

Madonna and Guy are going to need all the emotional support they can have over the next few months because being a celebrity does not make them immune from the effects of a break-up. In fact, that actually makes them more exposed to its consequences as they come under increasing scrutiny.

The REAL Reason for Prejudice, Discrimination and Bias

For 12 years, from 1993, I was a very successful diversity consultant and trainer, advising all kinds of organisations in the UK - from huge companies like British Telecom, with 100,000 staff, and the Royal Navy, to small minnows like Coulsdon School - to encourage greater diversity and cultural understanding in the workplace. Being a pioneer in the field, it was easy for me to make a difference in corporate Britain by promoting effective personnel management as a business priority which impacted positively on the bottom line. I must have trained hundreds of staff across Britain during those years, primarily on the concept of diversity and appreciating its benefits and pitfalls. Through our magazine, New IMPACT, we also raised awareness of diversity, a relatively new import from America, and I also introduced the British Diversity Awards to recognise and reward good corporate practice. In that public way, winners could be useful champions to promote good management even further.


I thoroughly enjoyed what I did, and undertook a 5 year research stint into the topic, which led to the only definitive book on diversity in the UK (Managing the Diversity Maze). Throughout those years, though many people were very comfortable with difference and could understand the need to be tolerant, a growing number really felt threatened and this affected the personal perception of their lives. I found myself fielding questions, that appeared to relate to diversity, from very fearful, insecure people who worried about the effect of a multicultural society on what they held dear and how such cultural issues affected them personally. They wondered why they had to change to accommodate anyone else who was different when it was their country, especially when they did not share their values; they fretted about losing their traditions and history, blamed 'foreigners' for everything and complained of even losing their rights. Many of them came across as racist and intolerant, and were accused as such by others, despite their denials to the contrary and their deep ignorance of other cultures. However, I felt they were reasonable concerns cloaked under the label of diversity. They just sounded all 'wrong'.

Then there was another broad grouping who smiled a lot, took everything in their stride, was pretty knowledgeable on immigration and diversity issues, seemed to revel in solutions rather than just focusing on the problems and understood the benefits of diversity and how it could be used to full effect. They mainly needed affirmation for their beliefs appearing much more secure in themselves.

I pondered frequently on what caused the main difference between those two groups of people.


Our quality of life
Then it hit me six years ago, with my own marriage break-up, during one of those Eureka moments I seem to have often. I discovered that everyone of us, without exception, desired four main things to complete our life and find happiness. Each of us wishes to be significant (hence the obsession with celebrities), appreciated, valued and included, what I called my SAVI Self-Enrichment Concept. The degree to which we desire each item depends on what we place as priority in our life. A minority member, feeling excluded from mainsteam action, would value being included most, while an ambitious executive would yearn to be significant. A housewife or carer, toiling away unnoticed, is likely to put being appreciated and valued as tops in their needs.

The main difference between the two groups was one of emotional wellbeing- the quality of their life and their feeling of comfort with it. Those who felt good about themselves, who felt successful, wanted and valued in their relationships, who were dating successfully too and felt confident in their persona, had no time to fret and worry about others. They felt at peace with their world and did not see others as a threat. They did not seek scapegoats because they felt more responsible about their lives. They enjoyed being empowered to decide their own future and could understand the personal need for self-fulfilment, regardless of culture, creed, gender or race.

Others not so fortunate, who lived alone and felt lonely, who were not advancing in their jobs, who had a lot of hurt, disappointment and losses in their lives through failed relationships or stagnant careers, perceived things very differently. They genuinely did not know how to interact with others effectively, to get the necessary boost and reinforcement to their emotional wellbeing. The end result is that they felt limited in their aspirations, victim-like in their interactions with potential partners and afraid for the progression of their careers, often seeking scapegoats to feel better. This encouraged them to see anyone different, younger or older, male or female, etc., as a real threat; appearing as 'racist', 'ageist' or 'sexist' when that was perhaps not their intention.


Lack of emotional health priority
Both groups of people adopt different coping mechanisms, especially in the absence of good emotional health. Our society makes provisions for improving physical health and mental health, but the most important part of that wellbeing triangle, emotional health, is completely ignored. In a nutshell, emotional health concerns three major factors: self-love, self-belief and self-esteem, all three impacting on each other. They affect our level of achievement, the quality of our relationships with others and the way we view the world, whether positively or negatively. The state of our emotional health directly controls our physical one in the form of 'moods'. Continuing low moods keep us in a depressed state and ultimately lower our immunity, thus exposing us more frequently to clinical problems. Hence there is a direct correlation between our emotional health and how good we feel physically. (Sihera 2006)

One is usually expected to cope with a relationship breakdown - an essential aspect of our lives - at any time, while carrying on with our work as if nothing has happened. Yet, every crisis affects our perception of ourselves and when it involves rejection, it strikes at the heart of our esteem and robs us of our value. We would have been feeling very crappy, and incapacitated, with things falling apart around us. Only robots can ignore the fallout, long or short term, of a relationship crisis or loss of a loved one. Those two items cause the greatest distress for us but often lack the attention they require from others.

Emotional health and empowerment are at the heart of our existence and diversity management. The way we feel emotionally can attract or repel diseases. If we feel vibrant, happy and alive, we are more likely to remain healthy than someone steeped in unhappiness, depression, victimhood and regret. It is a simple equation. When we feel good, nurtured and valued, and we love and appreciate ourselves, we seldom feel threatened because we find it easier to empathise with others and their situation. It gives us the confidence to get out of our comfort zones, to experiment with the unknown and to share our lives and perspectives with others. With the life quality being dictated by personal feelings, if someone is unhappy in their personal life, feeling excluded and invisible, whatever is going on at work is going to suffer in a major way, hence why many people who are hurting emotionally vote with their feet from work through regular absence.

The key question is: How can you appreciate someone else, value someone else, celebrate their difference and diversity if your own personal life is falling apart, if you feel emotionally caustic or barren, culturally ignorant of others and a victim of life through hurt and loss? That's a very difficult thing to do in those negative circumstances. It's like asking someone to give away what they haven't got!

A lack of good emotional health is therefore responsible for a lot of things in our lives and that's where the main focus should be before physicians even treat ill-health. Take some time to find out something about the life of that person: their joys, their sorrows, their hopes, their fears, their desires because wherever there is chronic illness and strong prejudices, bad emotional health is not far from it! Charity has to start from within us. Only when we feel emotionally at peace with ourselves, enjoying greater self-confidence and high esteem, do we feel inclined to spread that joy outwards and value others, to really appreciate the empowering strengths of living in a diverse community and, most important, to appreciate ourselves and the amazing beings we are!